I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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