did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
