Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
