please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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