Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
