The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
