If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
