I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
