they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
