he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
