My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
