I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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