my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize