HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
