Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
