how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
