don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
