the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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