I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
