Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
