You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
