just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
whose ass print is on the piano?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
