I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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