Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Two words: nipple clamps
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