i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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