Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
