Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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