While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
