I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
