Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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