Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
