My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
