Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
