I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
