I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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