i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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