I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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