There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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