Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
