Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she looked like the before picture.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
