So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
