You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
