I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
