I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
