I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
