I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
