there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
