Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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