Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
