even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
